by Lou Ye

1. Find an attractive female lead who is willing to take her clothes off. A lot. Also, make sure she knows how to French inhale.
2. Shoot various cast members having sex.
3. Shoot various cast members brooding.
4. Shoot various cast members smoking.
5. Repeat steps 2-4 until you have no more film.
6. Edit the footage into the following sequence: brooding, smoking, brooding, brooding, sex, brooding, smoking, sex, brooding, sex, sex, smoking, sex, sex, sex, brooding, brooding, smoking, brooding, sex, brooding, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, smoking, sex, brooding.
7. Add voiceover to the brooding and smoking so that the audience understands that the sex is just an expression of how deep and pained the characters are.
8. Watch test print of movie. Realize just what a steaming pile of panda shit you have made. Panic briefly.
9. Go back and splice in random news clips about Tiananmen Square in 1989. Do not be surprised when you and your film are banned from China by the Communist Party.
10. Watch as resulting controversy carries your film to acclaim at Cannes and other festivals. Try to contain laughter as festival promoters declare your work a masterpiece.

No, I really don't hate everything. I actually liked his two previous movies.