March 2007 Archives
by Lou Ye
- Find an attractive female lead who is willing to take her clothes off. A lot. Also, make sure she knows how to French inhale.
- Shoot various cast members having sex.
- Shoot various cast members brooding.
- Shoot various cast members smoking.
- Repeat steps 2-4 until you have no more film.
- Edit the footage into the following sequence: brooding, smoking, brooding, brooding, sex, brooding, smoking, sex, brooding, sex, sex, smoking, sex, sex, sex, brooding, brooding, smoking, brooding, sex, brooding, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, smoking, sex, brooding.
- Add voiceover to the brooding and smoking so that the audience understands that the sex is just an expression of how deep and pained the characters are.
- Watch test print of movie. Realize just what a steaming pile of panda shit you have made. Panic briefly.
- Go back and splice in random news clips about Tiananmen Square in 1989. Do not be surprised when you and your film are banned from China by the Communist Party.
- Watch as resulting controversy carries your film to acclaim at Cannes and other festivals. Try to contain laughter as festival promoters declare your work a masterpiece.
No, I really don't hate everything. I actually liked his two previous movies.
